


Mirror Image

by Tammaiya



Category: Tortall - Tamora Pierce
Genre: Creepy, Crossdressing, F/M, Gen, Gender Issues, Genderfuck, One-Sided Attraction, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-25
Updated: 2004-12-25
Packaged: 2018-08-10 09:31:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7839565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tammaiya/pseuds/Tammaiya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thom looks in the mirror and he sees Alanna.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mirror Image

**Author's Note:**

  * For [schiarire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/schiarire/gifts).



Identical twins were the same gender, Thom had read once. It wasn't genetics, just a freak chance where one baby split into two. At least, that was how he understood it.  
  
He'd thought the book was stupid, at the time. Of course identical twins could be different genders: look at he and Alanna. No one could tell them apart when they were very little.  
  
Then it had occurred to him that maybe they were an even greater freak chance. A freak chance for two freak children who should have swapped places in the womb-- Alanna would have made a better boy than Thom does, certainly.  
  
Thom wonders if he would have made a better girl.  
  
Thom reads a lot of books, and did so even as a child. Alanna had always wanted to go outside and play; Thom had always wanted to stay inside and read, but sometimes he would compromise for Alanna's sake. She didn't understand his fascination with knowledge. He didn't understand her fixation on weaponry.  
  
It's simply a sharp piece of metal that is used to kill people, Thom told her disdainfully.  
  
No, Alanna argued, it's beautiful. Look, it's an art form. It's alive. There's no life in your dusty old books.  
  
Knowledge is power. Thom likes power; Alanna likes strength.  
  
Thom suspects that Alanna sometimes worries about his thirst to learn. She probably thinks that he'll turn out like their father, but she doesn't need to be concerned about that. His ambitions aim much higher.  
  
She would be worrying a lot more if she knew.  
  
Thom reads everything, from philosophy to psychology to history to fiction. The more he reads, the more self-aware he becomes. He analyses and second-guesses his every action until his movements can't help but become exact and calculated. Sometimes he doesn't know if he is doing something through his natural reaction or if it is subconscious manipulation. He decides it doesn't really matter.  
  
Possibly the psychology books had been a mistake?  
  
Whether they had or hadn't been, though, Thom can never bring himself to regret knowing something. In fact, he even begins to read more of the psychology books; the concept appeals to him. Unlike Alanna, Thom approves of things fitting neatly under appropriate labels. He thinks that the Universe should be divided up into a series of little boxes, and is always very miffed when anything defies his idea of orderliness. If something can't be classified, then there is obviously vital information missing from the research.  
  
Thom occasionally tries to label others by personality groups for his own personal amusement, but he can't seem to find a single category for himself, and this annoys him. He doesn't care that human nature is supposedly too complex for understanding. All things can and should be understood and contained, in Thom's opinion, and this causes him to dislike humanity even more, simply for upsetting his views on the laws of reality.  
  
Some of the things he labels himself as are: introverted, antisocial, manipulative, misanthropic, intelligent, studious, pessimistic, egotistical.  
  
These traits put him into even more categories, some of which contradict each other. This annoys him even more.  
  
He reads about various disorders and complexes. One of these catches his interest; it is known as the Oedipus complex. The symptoms, for a male child, are resentment of their father and sexual interest in their mother. Thom wonders if this can be applied to him. He certainly resents his father. And despite the fact that he doesn't remember his mother, let alone feel attracted to her…  
  
He does have a sister.  
  
Thom doesn't really have much interest in sex, and he actively dislikes girls in general. Alanna, on the other hand, is the only person he has ever loved. Even now, when he wonders if his every thought and deed is fake, he is still quite sure he loves Alanna.  
  
Is it egotism, he asks himself? That's entirely possible. While they are not identical twins-- for, as he had discovered when he was younger, no such thing exists for different genders-- Thom and Alanna look very much alike. Same eyes, same nose, same mouth, same face shape, same hair. Thom doesn't have very many moral concerns, but even he finds it a little chilling to think that he could be attracted to himself.  
  
It's not really that much better to be attracted to his twin, but for some reason this doesn't bother him at all.  
  
Thom looks in the mirror and he sees Alanna. It's easy: he hasn't started growing a beard, yet, and she binds her breasts so she can pass herself off as a boy.  
  
He sees her eyes looking back at him in the mirror, and wonders again what he'd look like as a girl. What Alanna would look like, if she dressed as a girl. He wonders if Alanna thinks about him often, thinks about him like this, looks in the mirror and sees Thom staring back.  
  
Probably not. Thom is quite sure she is straightforward and healthy in her thoughts as always, almost disgustingly so. She hasn't read as many books as he has, after all, and if his insanity is hereditary then this mental sickness is literary.  
  
Thom is just a little too pleased with his own wit, when he comes up with that. He usually is, but then, it's often justified.  
  
He still has Alanna's skirts from when they did the swap. They probably still fit him; it wasn't that many years ago, and he's so small that he's quite sure he hasn't grown at all. If he has, he'd like to know how he was ever so short in the first place.  
  
His door is locked, because Thom is suspicious by nature. He pulls the skirts out and looks at them thoughtfully, but though they were hers, they don't remind him of Alanna whatsoever. She had never liked to dress as a girl. All they remind him of is the one occasion where he himself wore them.  
  
There's no good reason for him to try the dress on again, but then, Thom is prone to doing things just to prove to himself that he can. The clothes he was wearing fall and pool on the ground when he unfastens them, and as he steps into Alanna's old dress, he reflects that she may even be happier pretending to be a boy than if they'd let her in without a fight. He almost wishes he'd had to pretend to be a girl to study magic; they both hold their secrets close, he and Alanna, but where his has made him cold and hard like a diamond, hers has been a constant adventure, letting her bloom like a flower.  
  
Diamonds are beautiful, a girl's best friend, but Thom has no friends. Diamonds are rare and precious, but flowers are vibrant and lovely.  
  
Thom looks in the mirror again, and he may as well be a girl with a flat chest. Despite that, he no longer sees Alanna in his reflection, just Thom. Thom sees himself, and he hasn't seen himself for so long that he is mildly disturbed. His fingers ghost across his face, but they are Thom's lips, Thom's cheeks, Thom's eyes, Thom's hair, not Alanna's. He really should have been a girl, he decides. He'd have been more real if he'd been a girl, and maybe then Alanna wouldn't haunt him with every piece of glass he passed.  
  
He is somewhat relieved to find that it _is_ Alanna he is attracted to and not Thom after all.


End file.
